My Thoughts Of You
by Saint Lucifer-The Damned
Summary: A series of ficlets from the perspective of the Gravitation cast about other characters.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: Don't own it._

_Author's Notes: I've decided to do a series of introspective ficlets, because I see I can do introspectives very well. Or at least decently. I'll be putting the pairings of each ficlet down at the bottom. I'm hoping you'll read all the way through and not cheat! **Wink**_

_**Want And Need: For The Death Of A Loved One**_

I hate you.

No, that's wrong. I WANT to hate you. My admiration will always outweigh my want to hate. And I hate that. I hate how you glitter with every motion, how each part of you shines no matter what. Some days I think if you had rolled in mud, coated every inch of your being in that slop, somehow, you'd still have that magical, glittering air about you.

I hate that.

I hate how no one can disgrace you, touch you, mar your image. Insults can be thrown, but they bounce off that smile. Fingers can caress that skin, but that glitter keeps you from feeling. People can sling mud against your pictures, twist your words, and still, you smile.

I hate it.

I hate your talent, your ability to perform under the most stressful of circumstance in a split second. I think that if someone smashed your instrument to splinter of plastic, shard of glisten white keys, like broken teeth, you could still make you music with a wiggle of your fingers. I hate your flawlessness, you calm exterior in an inferno of blazing slander. Your constant worry and care.

Your love.

Gods how I want to hate that undeniable love you have for me. That forceful, aggressive, quiet love. I want to hate how you took me, owned me, made me yours. You own everything you touch, it's inevitable. Everyone around you falls into your touch. We're all like animals in a pound and you have your pick of the litter. It disgusts me.

I want more.

I hate myself for wanting you the way I do. It's so horribly wrong. You are my enemy, my competitor. I can't stand the way you play your twisted game. But I can't stand the thought of losing more. It tears at my very being to have you so near, but still so untouchable. Even that first night you took me, I could not touch you. I could not break that shell of you have become, even in your peak the mask did not crack.

I long for you.

The real you. The one I knew so long ago, when I was so young. The one I really admired. Your flaws made you so perfect, it was heartbreaking. And now that you've erased them all, you are imperfect. That is what mars your perfect façade. Your perfection makes you imperfect. That's no way to live.

Please, touch me.

Just once, I want the real you to touch me and actually feel me. That night never feels like it was long ago. That night you took me in, got me away from life I was never meant to live. There are days when I want to take it all back. Go back to the life I once had. The social drinker parents, the constant school work, trying to succeed to follow in my fathers footsteps. Some days I'd rather go back to that life then to have never known this one. But you took me away. Your hands were cold in the dark, reaching out for me, taking all of me in a flurry of tender appreciation for everything that I was. You allowed me to remove every outer layer you had on, except the one I wanted to remove the most. Soft lips curved into that smile as you pressed them against mine, and every part of my flesh that you had exposed, taking such time and care. I was suffocating in your love for me. Drowning in your touch. Bare hands roaming over the most secret areas on my body, slender fingers probing into me. My lips parted in an attempt to release my building tension. Only you could help it, pushing my legs up as you entered, still with that love in every move. You knew exactly what to do, to comfort me, to keep me from turning away from that. Hips pushed against my backside, each time a little more force. A force stronger then anything I ever was. You brought both of us together in that one screaming moment of pleasure.

Leave me alone.

Get out of my heart. For the love of anything you hold dear, get out of my heart. What we do behind that door is so terribly wrong, you don't even understand. And in every morning when I awake, finding my bed empty, I feel an elation of hope, thinking that it was the last time, the final time. But downhearted as well. Don't you want me to find the real you again? Don't you anyone to see him?

I mourn for him.

His death passed without notice or remembrance, except by myself. Am I the only one who sees the horrible being you've become? Your gently reprimanding eyes, your constant hated smile, the perfection in every move, as if you planned it. What happened to the man who lived for his music, smiled so freely, was so blunt but aristocratic with every word? He is lost now… lost in your endless see of masks.

I want to hate you, but how can I hate the man who was like my brother? Who has turned into my lover? How could I ever hate family? Oh cousin, I beg you silently with my eyes every time I see you to please stop this game. My moans ask you, plead, yearn for the man I lost so long ago. Please stop… please, Tohma, please come back to me.

_The pairing in this was Sug/Tohma. I LOVE Suguru and Tohma together. Makes me feel all squishy inside! Tried to throw a bit of vague smut in there for you guys. I don't think that part went over well. This was Suguru thinking back on Tohma and what he used to be compared to what he is now (duh), and I hoped you guys like it!_

_SL_


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: Nope, not mine._

_Author's Notes: NEXT PAIRING! Ooooh… this is a good one, I think… heh heh._

_**Tell Me Who You See**_

Why do you insist on chasing something so unreachable when what you can have is right here? Is it because he's better? Do I have to be that powerful and stupid all at once to get your attention?

How could I ever tell you about how I feel? You're always so focused on him; I doubt I could ever get your attention. I know the first time I met you I pushed you away, but I was foolish then. You don't know how much I regret those actions now. No one knows how badly I want to feel you, not what I have now. Oh, he's like you in appearance only, but that's not enough. Not anymore.

Just once, look my way and see me for who I am, not what you wish you could have. If you could love me the way you love him, we could both have what we really want. A true relationship, not a façade based on names and ownership. If he ever takes you, it's just to add another to his collection, don't you see? Can't you see it in his eyes like I do? He posses those who worship the ground he walks on. And you fit his type: Easily blinded by what he can offer you, the chance to make your dreams come true. Oh, Gods, wake up! He's no dream, he's a nightmare! He is the darkness where I can be your light. A user, an abuser, verbally, emotionally and mentally. He'll suck you dry and then send you packing. An Incubus of Lust, and your blinded.

I know it seems evil, but I long for the day I'll find you broken by him. I'll pick up your pieces, rebuild you, and recuperate you. Love you for who you are, who you can be. I love all the possibilities in you, but you sell yourself short for a whore like him. You'll never reach your full potential chasing after what you think is the light at the end of the tunnel.

I can be that light! Just look at me! Look how I shine; I can shine just like he can, if not more. And if I don't know, I will one day. Why don't you see the possibilities in me? I would offer to be who you want me to be if I had less pride in who I am. But I don't want to pretend to be who you want, _I_ want to be who you want.

Every night I spend with him, it's not him I think of, it's you. Those are your hand roaming my skin, your lips touching me, your teeth biting me. It's your fingers that push into me with a skilled, collected ease. Your hand that wraps around my weeping erection as you work your way into my body… Oh, please, make me yours! I can't stand these thoughts anymore, they don't sustain me like the used to, I need the real thing now. I can't keep leading him on anymore, I'm leaving him, you know. I'm leaving him for what be my unreachable one.

Tatsuha, your brother can never compare, just look at me and tell me what you see. Is it me, or Ryuichi. Who do you see? Who do you love?

_This was Shuichi thinging on feelings he has for Tatsuha. It just hit me, so I wrote it out! This one is shorter, I think, but I still like it! So, are you guys liking these? No one's telling me... pout Welp, enjoy! The next... I don't know what it'll be yet, but I hope it's good!_

_SL_


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: Not mine._

_Author's Notes: Yeah… uh, here's another one._

**_Set Me Free_**

This goddamn fairy just never gets the hint, does he?

He always just 'drops by'. He'd do it everyday if he could. Little weasel. Always snooping where he shouldn't, smiling.

Bastard. I hate him.

He thinks just because he was there for me at such a traumatic time in my life, that I still need him to clean up after me? I don't need him to cook or clean or play 'big brother' to me. I don't need any of that. What I need, is to live my own life. Start taking my 'toys' back. Yeah, it's selfish, and no one is going to understand why, but who gives a fuck? No one understood me to begin with.

There he sits, opposite me on the couch, smiling as I take a sip from the beer in hand, and cigarette in the other, eyes trying to stay on the TV screen. His eyes go from the TV to me. He keeps going back to the TV out of manners.

It's rude to stare.

Everything about him screams proper. I can't stand it! I think he's half the reason I act out, even at this age. It's unbelievable what this man can make me do. He makes me keep my newest toy around. I don't want to, but out of spite to show him that I don't listen to him, I have to keep the toy.

And I hate how right he always is. He warned me back when I was young, and I didn't listen. He's warning me now, and I know I won't listen. How will it end for me this time? Does he think I really want that idiot around anyway? I thought he knew my games, my 'psyche' by now. That's how he goes around. Like he's the mother who knows what's best.

So, why am I still trapped?

I was freed from the memories of long ago, or so I thought. He took me away; let me become what I am now. And he loved it. Loved watching the torment I went through, being the only light in my life. The only one I talked to for more than five seconds. The only one I let in the apartment from time to time. I let him cook for me, coddle me, watch over me, reminisce with me. And he was happy.

Then I found a light far brighter than he could ever be. It came with a true smile and bright eyes, And it was human. Not saying that he isn't human, but the same smile day in and out, the same repressed feelings every waking moment… he didn't exactly radiate life. My new light… he was all life and bounce and sugar. He was what I had lost so long ago.

And I wanted to destroy him.

His naiveté, his outlook, his strength, all of it. I wanted to wake him up to the real world. He was the first of his kind to show up in my life, and I felt as though it was my duty to break him. And try as I did, all the times he left bawling, all the times I thought I had succeeded, I had failed. I had made him become more resilient. Stronger. Better than he had been the first time. He was able to see through my tricks, my plans. He learned.

I couldn't destroy what I hated most. Instead, I let it get closer to me, almost overtaking the very first light at the end of my tunnel. But did I need him anymore? I guess… I guess it doesn't come down to need; so much as it does want. Do I WANT him anymore? Can I finally throw out my oldest toy… my oldest… friend?

Did I want to?

That's why I hate thinking about these things. I'd always let everyone run around in my life before, why stop now? I mean, is it really so bad that he keeps me attached to the memories of my past?

Now I don't even know who I'm talking about! Gods. Shuichi reminds me of what I was, Tohma reminds me of everything from before. How the fuck can I ever let go with two walking memories in my life?

I think… I think it's time for another trip. For good. I don't need Tohma or that brat to let me go. I can set myself free. I can release myself from the chains that have been holding me down.

What I want… is to be free. And only I can make it happen.

_Yeah... um... somewhere while thinking this out... I thought I would have Yuki and Tohma be the two people keeping Eiri chained down. But it got a little distorted and it became Tohma and Shuichi.Yeah, this just all came out wrong, y'know? Not wrong... but different. Yeah, anyways! Enjoy! An stop peeking at the bottom before you read, damnit! shakes fist angrily_

_SL_


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: Not mine!_

_Author's Notes: Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad some people like these little ficlets._

_**What's My Age Again?**_

Ah, another day, another bout of idiocy. It's expected. It's routine. To every smile and greeting, I'm expected to stop in my tracks, look like I'm thinking profoundly then spew some random answer that has nothing to do with a simple 'hello'.

I don't recall when all this happened, it was long ago. But I am getting sick of it. Maybe I'm just trying to stay young, after all, look at everyone else around me? New kids, fresh faces, youth abound! And I'm just an old man. I've told myself for years age is just a number, and you can't feel like a number. You can only feel like you. Ah, if only I could believe my own words.

Acting as if I'm not here is a little better than being here. I have a family here. A young family. Instead of being proud of the trophy lifestyle I live, I'm depressed. I see in them my oncoming death. In their youth is my downfall. Not that they would be the cause of it, but… oh, how could I ever explain? The words we have aren't perfect enough to describe the feelings of humans.

Can you imagine me saying something like that? They'd never believe it was the real me! They'd think I was sick, or it was a fluke. I am known to say something occasionally smart from time to time. You think they'd notice anything, right?

Well, my wife does, thank Gods. Well, I think she knows what I'm up to, but she doesn't try to stop me. Not anymore at least. I love her, everything about her, but she has her life back now. The life she wanted anyway. She never wanted to play house for the rest of her life. When… oh, what was his name again? Well, that… guy. The one who's never dressed. His name'll come to me, don't worry. A few things really do slip with age you know! When he came back, I'd never seen her so happy. And I didn't mind her going off to play again. She's still so young, how could I deny her, her dream?

But her eagerness makes me wonder. What am I for? Where is her love really? I mean, obviously she loves her job, which is wonderful! It's rare to find a good job that you love. I couldn't be happier for her. But where do I fit in? Going on tour with those people is no place for a man my age, let alone our little girl. I'd refuse.

Then again… she's never asked either…

I wouldn't exactly call this a loveless marriage. We love each other, it's just not in that passionate way anymore. Having me at this age leaves her to put forth her passions towards other things. They're just never anything at home. But I don't want to hold her back for anything. So I sit and watch her latest performance on TV, Saki in my lap. She loves watching mommy on the TV. I watch her too, every chance I get, because I love watching her pour everything into what she truly loves.

I get jealous sometimes. I'm unable to help it. How happy she looks, how she used to smile like that around the house. I don't make her happy anymore. Even when I pretend to be an idiot to try and get her to smile. It doesn't even work. I turn off the TV and Saki looks up at me frowning. Just like her mother. I get off the couch, holding her, telling her we're going on a trip. I set her down and tell her to go pack like a good girl. She runs off to her room and I leave to go write a note.

Not an apology, just one simple thing:

Noriko, keep smiling.

_This was Tetsuya thinking on Noriko and their life. I have no idea what I was trying to accomplish here. I blame my fever on this one. Mom gave me a cold, so yeah. Not doing well. Review if it makes you happy!_

_SL_


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I own nothing._

_Author's Notes: This fic was inspired by a line in a book by Tami Hoag called A Thin Dark Line. It was something along the lines of 'Their kisses tasted dark and salty...' How can something 'taste' dark? It was beautiful in my mind. Lonesome, morbid. To taste darkness is to swallow the light. The Night closing in on the ever shrinking flame of a candle. That is how I think dark would taste. Bland, hot, bittersweet in the burn._

Dear lord... I am an angst whore.

_**The Darkness Can Consume The Light**_

My first tastes of you, and I was hooked.

The lingering, lust filled kisses we shared tasted dark on my tongue.

The heat between us that warmed me to my very core was an excruciating pleasure.

Our sin filled caresses made me ache for you more than I ever thought possible.

Once it seemed that you were my Shadow and I was your Light,

But here, in this darkened room, you're are the one who glows so intensely, and I am overshadowed.

And my shame is cast out in the open in your Light, the green burn of your eyes on me.

You are like my son.

My heir, my work of art, my tragic romance.

The silence is heavy around us, like cold breath hung in the winter night air, waiting to shatter into icicles.

And as always, my regret twines its way in between us, driving me to rise from the bed, once again breaking my promise to spend the night.

Yet, you've never called me on it, not once.

I feel you are the only one who can understand my plight, my life, my duties.

And why not? We have the same blood coursing through us.

Fully dressed, I head for the door, and finally, you speak.

"Tohma… I love you."

Your voice is so soft, captivating. A caress of warmth without the physical touch.

I want to return to your arms, show you how our frenzied passions can be gentle and full of the emotion I can never publicly show you.

But my shame is casting its Shadow over my eyes as I tug the brim of my hat down further, bowing my head. Your eyes piercing through me, showing me my inner most desires and disgraces.

If only you could comprehend how wrong this truly is… if only, if only.

But it was I who raised you, not your parents, not really. I taught you right from wrong, good and bad.

I taught you how good my touch was, how you could make yours good too.

And I never taught you how bad or wrong of a man I am for doing these things to you.

I barely feel the doorknob beneath my hand, gloves blocking all sensation. I have to leave quickly. Any outside light will surly enhance your glow, blinding me without looking at you.

I fear I could be roasted alive under your gaze.

"I know you do," I murmur back, my hand tightening in response on the knob as I yank open the door, making an ungraceful exit, pulling it shut quickly behind me.

Oh, I do love you. I love you with all of my being. But I'll never be able to tell it to you, Suguru. Never.

_This was written differently from the others, but I was inspired differently._

_And, I'll admit, it's A LOT of fantasy on my part. I just love the cousins so much, I wanted some tragic mush._

_This also seems to go along with the first ficlet. Where Suguru is talking about Tohma... well, you read it._

_I've noticed that with Tohma/Suguru fics, there are only one-shots, song fics, things like that. Never a story, y'know? I've decided to write one. I've inspired myself!_

_Review!_

_SL_


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